it's been a while since i've blogged. i had an old blog from highschool, but decided that making a new one would be best. goodness, looking back on those years, i miss them. i had so much time. i went through a lot emotionally, but i was SO aware of my need for God. now, life is much busier and "smoother", and for a while, i lost my awareness of my need for Him.
but, as of late, so much of that has changed...
i've started having panic attacks. if you have never had one, you can not relate. i assure you. but this is the thing.... even though this is so hard, i have once again had the opportunity to be aware of my DESPERATE need for my God. in the middle of the night, filled irrational desperation and panic, there is nothing that can calm my soul other than Jesus. in these moments, i have learned that my parents are not the superheros who can fix everything. not that they ever have been, but when i was young, they were in my mind. i could go crying to them and everything would be ok. not any more. all i have is Jesus. and He is enough.
it's an amazing thing to come to the reality that i really have no control over anything. i have found that my nature is to try to control situations, so i can keep them comfortable to me. i had a subconscious belief that by doing all i can to be organized and prepared and etc, i could in a way have control over a situation and keep myself from being scared or nervous or stressed. but the fact of the matter is I HAVE NO CONTROL... this at first is a scary thing, until i realize who does. my savior! my father. He's got me. he's not only in control, but he holds me. what a fool i would be to feel that i'm better off in control. no, no, no, emily. you don't truly want to have control. control is a thing that only God can have...and thankfully so. obviously, i'd wreck my life if i was in control.
it's all about perspective. and also, here i see that it is true...history repeats itself. as i lost focus on my reliance on him, he kindly breaks me...just as he did when i was 17. sometimes i wish i would learn the first time with things, haha. but, oh how sweet it is to have this again.
this, my friends, is me. a broken vessel that He's at work in.
my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my soul and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
